Zeel the Great.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Fuck you teabaggers, I don't owe you shit.

Yes, it's been literally a month since I updated this blog and the only reason I got is I don't give a fuck.


So you say, why Great Zeel have you decided to update today then? Well, I'll tell you why. It's 2am and I swear to god. I hate YAHOO ANSWERS.

I am about to go to my bed, right. But I'm like, NOT tired. so I go to yahoo answers to read some of their stupid shit questions.. and I stumble onto something about "SECRET TO MAKING GIRLs LIKE ME EVEN THOUGH I'M ATROCIOUSLY UGLY AND POOR?"

and then I run into the most bullshit answers of the internet.

Answer One: it's the inside that counts! I have a sexy husband who has engaging green eyes and he makes like 50 k a year and I aint gotta work at the mall anymore, and it's all because of how FUNNY his knock knock jokes are.

Answer two: To be honest, you are fucked mate. Good luck.

Answer three: i bet my ass you are chasing super-hot supermodle girls. WHY don't u date plain jane. You deserve to be alone You fat fuck.

Answer four: girls aren't shallow at allllll! we find money and material possessions more important. :D

I then decide to search up... "Girl" and "Boy". and guess what I found? You guys are too obessed with getting into eachothers pants. Everyother question is "is s/he intersted?"

It's honestly really sad guys. However, I am here to help. Am I not merciful?

I am about to present to you the ONLY GUIDE you WILL EVER NEED TO PICK UP THE OPPOSITE SEX. It's worked like FIVE times for me.

FOOL PROOF VAGINA PLAN:


Assess your environment: Understand that shit can happen at ANYtime. you gotta be prepared. Squirrel attack, cockblockers, sisters. BE ALERT.

Sexy Eye Contact Time: Just stop talking mid conversation and stare. If she gets uncomfortable, you're doing it right.

Sexual puns: Use a lot of unnecessary sexual adjectives. Ex. Hey, Jamie, can you pass me that screwdriver I need to plow the screw into the plank. I get very anal about it. Especially if the intercourse is done improperly, I get very testy. penis penis penis.

Endurance: you know how I fucking know who Lauren Conrad is? Because my nuts are tough. Learn to suck it up folks.

Confidence building: make sure you mention how awesome you are atleast twice a day. I try to sneak in how I am a potential NBA star everytime she mentions MTV. I think that's a nice balance.

Conan the Barbarian: Stop wearing shirts. Get a fucking axe. Yes, this is mandatory. Chicks like fucking vikings.

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